Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
