Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize