Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
