My cat gives me a boner
I wish you could order shots online.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
