he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize