I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
