please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
