So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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