i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
