his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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