How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
