Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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