Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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