we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
