her vagine was all disorganized.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
