Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
