I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
