Umm I'm too high to move.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
