we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
