Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
