i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
