New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
