I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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