So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
