Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
