exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
