Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
