Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
