dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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