Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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