I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
