I cannot find my penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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