I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
