Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
