So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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