Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
