Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
