The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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