i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
