and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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