She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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