so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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