people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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