i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
