Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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