i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
