The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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