the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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