Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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