Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize