I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
