I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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