mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
no, he came in my armpit
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
