He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
