I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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