Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize