I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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